Ain't Nothing But a Headache
by Papan Oujia
Summary: The Shield Hero have the perfect alibi to counter the Bitch's accusation. Or: in which, our Shield Hero was born as a female./featuring genderbent Raphtalia and Firo/now in drabbles format - Nica Trio


**Ain't Nothing But a Headache**

by **Nica Trio**

(_The Shield Hero have the perfect alibi to counter the Bitch's accusation. Or: in which, our Shield Hero was born as a female_)

drabble format

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**perfect alibi**

It all went allright at first.

The Shield Hero was really naive and kind to her, as she had expected.

He bought her equipment, meal, her own room in the inn, he had been nothing but kind to her. Which made her slightly feel bad for herself to accuse him wrong.

But Myne did anyway.

"Yesterday, he pulled me to his room. Drunk and everything, he tried to rape me!" she said in frightened voice, obviously fake, but still sounds traumatic. She found it fitting. All the while, the Shield Hero just kneeled there, face unchanged, and body stilled, he must be shocked. "And then I escaped, I bumped into the Spear Hero. He helped me."

"Huh?" The Shield Hero imbued. Clearly confused. She smirked.

"Please, punish him for what he did, Your Highness! He tried to rape me!" her voice was high, demanding, begging, whatever. As long as the Shield Hero suffer, she would do anything!

Everyone in the throne room shifted slightly, murmuring about him. Even the other Heroes gives him the cold words and mean stare. She was really happy. The Shield Hero suffered!

She had taken his money.

His expensive equipment.

His pride and confidence.

She had ruined his live!

Isn't it really something?

"What the fuck are you saying, woman?"

She then gazed back at the kneeling Hero. How dare he to speak back to her!

"You're a criminal!" she roared. "You tried to rape me!"

The Hero gave confused stare. "Are you sure it's me?" he asked.

She could feel her jaw tightened. She then stepped back once, faking her frightened state. "I'm sure it's you! Who in the world have a shield with green jewel shining in the dark beside you?" she argumented.

Shield Hero—the only one who refuse to tell anyone his real name—blinked. Once. Twice. Then laughed.

"W-what?! What are you laughing for?! Nothing is funny!" Myne clicked her tounge.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA. I know women are bitches, but you just accuse me something I didn't. AHAHAHAHA—" the hero's laughter echoed across the room. It is rather deep but not too deep, but the hero continued with high voice identical to a normal woman. "For first, I don't drink; I have too weak liver which won't survive a tin of alcohol, or beer, wine, whatever it is. Second, I'm asexual; I have no interest in love making, or mate, or sex, even if I was drunk, I don't. Third, I am female in gender; why would I raped you in the first place?"

The other heroes blinked at this. "How could you proof your arguments?" the Sword Hero, Amaki Ren questioned, has regain his composure.

The Shield Hero(ine?) nodded, and with his/her high pitched voice asked for his/her bag. He then opened it. "Actually, I was going to enroll for university before I got summomed. It attach." the Shield Hero pulled out several piece of paper. "Could you three witness it? You can read, right?"

The other heroes stepped closer to look at the paper showed in front of their eyes. A birth certificate of a girl issued in 1999. And it belongs to—"No. Don't say the name." the Shield Hero cut their train of tought.

Ren blinked. "How can this be a legal evidence?"

"Oh, right. I forgot." the hero(ine) then pulled another from his/her bag, a plain green wallet and pulled three card from it. "My student ids. From elementary to high school."

The heroes then took a look at the name, date of birth and...the picture.

A girl with green eyes and jet black hair hime cutted. She wear casual clothes consist of green undershirt and black vast, rather fitting. She is really cute.

The same girl—unmistakeable—now have short cut, just like a boy, have matured quite a lot, and somehow managed to have those boyish features (like the board shoulder, flat chest, and something resembling adam's apple there, they just stared dumbly—how could the hime-cut girl became this manly?!). She wore gender neutral uniform.

And then, still the same girl—now became a young teenage-woman?—with more and less male feature, from the jawbone to the cheeks, and the very small developing chest, narrowing shoulder and all. She still have the short cut hair, it was now messy as if the owner didn't really cared for the appearance. She also wore gender neutral uniform for high schoolers.

But the three card have the same name.

"And here is my citizenship." she then showed them her recent id, issued in 2017.

It displayed a woman, the same person, that wore black formal tuxedo, white undershirt and green tie. She still have the short cut, somehow lost few centimetres of her shoulder's width. It was the Shield Heroine herself.

"You are twenty—what?"

Motoyasu received a kick in the groin.

"You don't say!"

No one ask a lady her age.

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**mother hen**

For Raphael, the Shield Heroine or as her real name served her right, Iwatani Nao, was a big mother hen. The day he was bought from Slave Trader was the day he gained a second mother, but he love them all the same.

Nao-sama cared for him just like what a mother do. She brew him medicine, she give him food and drinks, she gave him a place to belong, she teach him things and stuffs, and most importantly, she give him purpose. He was her slave, her sword. He was hers.

"I am your sword, milady."

"Um. I know. Lets get back to the Capital."

"Yes, milady."

The Second Wave of Calamity will came in time.

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**litle pride**

Despite what anyone would say, Nao love Lute Village pretty much.

She had a small hut there, one of which she lived in when they aren't on their journey. She also well acquaintanced with the people there, they were really nice and don't give a shit about her being a Shield Heroine. They also doesn't discriminate against demi-human that much, Raphael like it there.

So when the Second Wave bought them to the Village, Nao instinctively get to the village, assisting the evacuation of the people. Raphael—now a young man—stood beside her, slaying monsters left and right.

Everything was allright without any major catastrophe, but then a spark exploded in the sky—

—and it _burns_.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!"

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**burning rage**

Raphael could only watch in agony as his Mistress's most beloved coat burned down in the center of arena. She nearly blew up.

(All because of the bitch.)

Nao stared blankly at her burning green coat, all the while Motoyasu sent her surprised look and questioned, "You burn your own coat?!"

She finally snapped.

"No, you bastard! But that bitch did." she then strangled him by surprise, made his face kissed the floor, kicked his spear far away and pulled his long hair forcefully. "YOU'LL PAY FOR MY FAVORITE COAT, DAMMIT!"

He passed out.

(The match had deviated it's original purpose. No matter. She had her new coat, Motoyasu got his lesson, Bitch got punished and Raphael was freed at once.)

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**new comrade**

The egg hatched. Raphael stared at the white feathered firorial in front of him. It has red highlight, and also crimson red eyes.

"Chirp." It then flew to Nao.

Raphael blinked, "What do we name it?" he asked. His Mistress seems to think slightly as she petted her new firorial.

The firorial chirped once again, rubbed it's head to her hand. Her emerald eyes met it's crimson pair. Those deep eyes, just like...

"Let's name him Firo." she decided. Unoriginal name aside, it match the firorial just fine. "Firo, like, the fire." She nodded. The firorial chirped once again, seems happy with his new name.

Raphael sighed, _whatever you want, Mistress_.

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**evolving?**

"Good morning, Madre."

Nao's eyes bulged as she look at the blond haired boy in front of her.

"Did you sleep well?"

A blond haired _nude _boy.

"Hey," she voiced, a hand covering her eyes. "Just..use something."

She still is a female after all.

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**job handling**

They became the legend among merchants. The wandering saint, a women in men clohtes tending sick people from village to village. Demanding decent payment for her treatment. She travelled with a giant talking firorial and a racoon demi-human swordsman.

They also handled _almost _every job anyone deemed hard and isn't entirely safe. And more imprortantly, they cleaned every mess the other heroes came up with.

From dragon zombies.

Parasitic plants.

Villages in the brink of downfall.

Another zombies.

Some crazy man messing sword.

Escorting some crown princess to capitol.

Accepting Holy Knight as temporary party member.

Eh, maybe the last two don't count.

But they did it anyway.

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**waking up**

"Raphael, I want to cook for Madre."

Raphael woke up at the sight of his little brother Firo sitting on his stomach. The boy, now in his human form, was staring at him with those intense red eyes.

Raphael blinked.

The boy have blond hair, crimson red eyes and unflattering smile plestered on his lips. He wore only white long cardigan and golden snake patterned loose trouser. Somehow, Firo like to be bare chested, he has red tribal tatoo along his body and he also wore the golden necklace Nao gave him just before the Second Wave.

They were in their way towards the neighboor country right now, with a crown princess in their party, just two hours before dawn.

"What again?" he asked, still processing what the younger boy was saying.

Firo sighed. "Let's cook for Madre." he repeated in other words.

"Wha—"

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**shades of her past**

She hated women ever since her mother leave them without any say after messing with her father's life.

Nao was seven then, don't understand anything. But she still went to protect her baby brother from her mother's wrath. Mother was violent when upset, and she won't even hesitated to threw her brother Jun head first out of window in several stories building.

She isn't crazy, nor depressed.

She is just the type of bitch who certainly would sacrifice anything for money. Something which Nao's father have. A lot. It doesn't matter her children is hurt, if she got her money to buy whatever she want, she won't give a fuck.

She was the materialistic whore Nao despised very much.

Nao won't became _a woman like her_.

She will NOT became someone like HER.

So when her dad diforced the whore, she changed herself. From her room, her entire wardrobe, her habbit, her appearance. She will became a MAN everyone will adore and respect. Not a woman her mother was.

She dislike every women. Including herself. But she hated those ass-showing bitchy whore far more. Especially the type like Myne and her mother.

When she met someone like that once again, will her knee cap kicked them in the groin.

She swear it.

.

**something went wrong**

"I will became Madre's bride when I grow up."

Both Nao and Raphael sprouted their drinks when Firo said that. It was fortunate that their dinner plates were already empty. Meanwhile, Malty just smiled tiredly, she had expected it from her crush; one sided crush.

"Wow." Nao wishpered. "Just..wow." she put her mug down. She know that the exclamations were genuine; Firo was serious. Or _at least_, he seemed like that. "Where did I go wrong in educating him, I wonder?"

All the while, Raphael hissed, he was pissed to no end. "No. You won't. We are Nao-sama's sons. No son married their mother even if they want." he said.

Yes. Even if they want. (Malty nodded along in silence.)

Nao was glad she didn't need to marry anyone.

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**And sorry**

(_We forget to tell you, The Pope died early. He choked himself to dead the very same time he saw the Shield Heroine's 'gracefully' nearly made Spear Hero bald._)

_**End of the story.**_

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**Authors' Notes:**

This was our headcanon when we tought about fem!Naofumi running around. And then, after some consideration we decided to add genderbent versions of Firo and Raphtalia. Thus, this story was created.

(One nosebleed when she even think about Shota!Firo. It's just..too much sweetness.)

For some reason, we seems to think male!Firo as someome resembling Child Gil (Fate/Grand Order) with his cheery but sometimes scary and _yandere _nature; it is just right. All the while, we imagined Raphael as someone wise, brave and _red_; so we put either Rama (FGO) or Child Iskandar/Alexander (also FGO) as preference, mainly because they have long red hair :v.

(We also have some headcannon about a crossdresser fem!Motoyasu, just saying.)

(_05/21/2019 local date_) We decided to change the format of this story into drabble because someone's review said—the pace is too rushed if I just continued it straight. So I add those titles and look at how it turned compared to the previous version. Thank you so much.

We are not native English (heck, it's not even our third leaguage), but we want to learn, so don't hesitate to criticize our stories. :D

.

**Nica Trio signed out,**

Oreo, Aria, and Eroi Nica


End file.
